I always wanted to strike some fear into the hearts of the committed souls. So today I might as well do that to myself. It was a lot of fun till I became one. The romance part was so easy and I was a natural. I was utterly convinced that I am on the right track so I proudly changed the relationship status from single to commited on the entire bloody social networking sites that I am a member of. I showed it to her and it felt like heaven when I saw the smile starting to spread from the corner of her mouth. All was well.
Then out of the blue the commitment and the paraphernalia that it brings hit me like a flood. I started hearing talks about wedding plans, birth control tips, what name I like if it’s a boy! When am I gonna tell my parents. Wait a minute it was not this complicated before. What did you bring upon yourself? I remembered the words of Gandalf from ‘Lord of the rings’- the board is set, the pieces are moving’. Like a man entering a maze from which there is no point of return I informed my parents.
My folks started calling her folks and vice versa. I felt like a mutual venue holding the peace talks of two ethnically different civilizations. I never felt a person can be this torn between his loyalties ever before in my life. With my ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ policy on the net worth of my woman and my parents’ adamant stand on not wanting to hand out my net worth on a plate to a stranger (to them, not to me but they fail to realize that) without getting something in return, was driving me more crazy than the fact that she allows only a smooch and no touch me feel me stuff. (groans) Finally I was able to convince my folks that since she has a nice paying job, she will be able to contribute to the mutual benefit and longevity of our family (I badly needed the house they built for me, I never had a clue about what I will do if they have decided to throw me out). That seemed to settle it.
Apart from all this I had to answer these curious questions about the damn gold, from relatives and neighbors alike. To me all that glitters in yellow look the same and I am not very fond of it. But they wanted to know how much I am getting? Is it new or old?
The visit to her house was brief but unsettling with all the eyes present there scanning for any kind of hereditary mischief inherent in me except her eyes. I was able to take a deep plunge into them when I sneaked into her room amid all the laughing and family history vanity and there she was! waiting.., her back to the wardrobe, for a light kiss. ahem ahem! (Censored)
I cancelled the engagement. I firmly believed it as a waste of resources since if you are planning to do something then you have to do it. There is no point in announcing that I intent to do it and will not run away. So I convinced everyone that I won’t run away (including her)
In love marriages and arranged marriages alike, when the once distant possibility of a wedding becomes a reality the majority of men are only concerned with one thing. ‘The consummation’. Yes I am not saying that my love for her is not genuine. It is, but I have this urge to be on top of her and make her happy.
I am a very paranoid person. That’s how I survived from some of the severe spankings other kids had to endure during childhood due to their lack of attention to details. I saw with an alarming sensation that my greatest fear is materializing right in front of me. When her folks came to our house to discuss the wedding date some idiot (I don’t remember from her side or mine) announced that the coming Sunday might be a good date for the wedding and to my disbelief it was unanimously approved. The date fell two days before her periods! (groans again) I called her right away and explained the situation. We have decided before that we won’t do it on the first day because she will be so tired after waking up so early for the makeup and stuff. I told her to scrap the makeup I just like her the way she is and she replied that it is an area in which I don’t have any jurisdiction. I said fine. That leaves me one day if the thing won’t start one day early breaking the schedule at the worst possible time. She said that will be highly unlikely. And she had the audacity to ask can’t you wait. She even called me a jerk. I had a strange feeling that I won’t be able to keep it in my pants for that long if I opt for the second day. I prayed to the gods of commitment (the Greeks should have at least one) to give me strength to hold on to my private parts. Please don’t let it think for me.
When you are preoccupied with thoughts of a carnal nature I often wonder how men manage the whole thing. I found out. As Christians we can’t get married unless we do the Holy Communion. I have never done it before. Admitting to a complete stranger (even though he is a priest) that I used to masturbate and watched porn movies from an early age was too much to me. The funny part is that you can’t look at or see the priest’s face when you confess, so I was wondering maybe he is smirking at me or maybe he is plain disgusted. With my mind screaming in protest I confessed all the so called sins which never felt like sins to me. The priest then cleared my name from the list of sinners in our church. All this for you honey are you reading this?
It was the longest day in my life. I didn’t get any sleep the other night. She might have slept like a child. She was all excited about her hair style, bouquet, and the Saree and stuff like that. To be honest the thought of premature ejaculation was giving me the creeps. I consulted all the briefings I have received in my life at various stages from genuine masters of ‘how to hold on to an erection’. I was the least bothered about my dressing. The studio people have taken the house; to say that they have conquered it is to put it mildly. Have you ever thought how strange it is to get dressed when a shiny light is pointed at you and you are surrounded by people, some you like and others you hardly know, at the same time? No wonder actors get paid a lot.
It was a circus inside the church. I almost thought that the priest is going to crash the cross on top of that over adventurous photographer who was having second thoughts about climbing a table near the altar. In this digital age everyone worth their salt had one camera. They all decided to take the pictures that day. Meantime I also admired my sweet lady’s ability to stand still without even moving a muscle. I couldn’t do it for the life of me and received many life threatening stares from the head priest. The glorious truth that no one now knew or understood the songs and hymns of a Christian wedding was neatly covered by the choir group. I was glad that the power didn’t go out. The knot was perfect even though I felt like kissing her exposed shivering neck. (The practice with banana plant’s trunk paid off)
There was no immediate feeling of togetherness after the wedding. The photo session in front of the church was hilarious. The two of us looked entirely different from the rest of them (I think that was the entire point) Smiling at the camera and not talking (you look stupid if you talk when a photo is taken, trust me I have learned it the hard way) we went straight to the reception after wards. I will never forget the food riot that followed. I badly wanted to avoid that in my wedding. The appetite of Keralites again proved me wrong. The entrance of the reception hall looked like a battle field when they opened the shutter. We were so hungry too. When the camera guy was focusing somewhere else I dived for food, but then her friends and cousins came and took her to change the dress. There is this ‘Manthrakodi’ thing which she has to wear after the wedding, I just sat there looking at people having a fine feast majority of them I don’t know or even care (it’s my wedding remember). When she came back she looked so beautiful than ever. (Some very amusing censored images did flash through my mind involving her) she said the saree is so tight that if she eats her tummy will get big and it will come loose. Whatever! I tried to grab some more food but then someone smiled at me and took the plate away. We cut the cake, drank some juice together and alas even lit a lamp together.
As a part of the tradition I had to stay four days at her place. When we reached her home after all the niceties it was already evening. There were many people there too. Answering to the same questions a thousand times can make anyone go mad. The sanest moment and purest joy was when our eyes locked amid conversations with other people. Both of us wanted to be left alone. It was dinner time. If it was any other occasion I would have attacked anything cooked in front of me. When it stuck ten my father in law told me as a matter of fact that they normally go to bed at this time. Both of us didn’t make eye contact. I was wondering where she is when I heard laughter from her room. It sounded like there are only women there. I stopped in my tracks. Some primitive voice in my mind was shouting the words ‘full retreat’. After a moment’s hesitation I walked that way chanting the mantra that I am invisible. I was right! It was packed with women. When they heard my footsteps the laughter stopped and there was some giggling as an afterthought. I didn’t count how many were there but all of them left one by one passing me and all of them indeed made eye contact, even the smallest one who looked like a twelve year old.
At last we had the room to ourselves. First I closed the door and made a quick glance at all the ventilation points (yes when I was a kid I did try to catch what’s going on through a ventilation when one of my relative got married, I was spared from the fun by one of my elder relatives) then I looked at my woman and she came to me, we hugged passionately and kissed our first kiss with some tongue thrown in. I pointed at the bed and made a gurgling sound she nodded. We both jumped on it. There was no need for her to make me remember the promise. We lay on our sides and looked at each other’s face and at some point closed our eyes. We slept like two logs of wood on the first day.
PS: What happened the next day and after seven days (her periods remember) has been cut by the censor board of moral bloggers due to extreme acts and depiction of sexual content.